I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
I JUST SEARCHED GINGER COCK ON TUMBLR AND THEY'RE ALL REALLY WELL HUNG? I'M CRYING. IS THIS HOW GINGERS KEEP REPRODUCING?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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