That was a long time ago. She needed the money.
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
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