you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
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