The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Randomize
