Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
