I'm eating all of the evidence.
Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
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