I wanna come home
And do what?
Kiss. Rip clothes off. Repeat.
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
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