I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
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