Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
I have already put on my inside pants.
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
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