my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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