Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
There is this threesome scene that is literally 10 minutes of straight fucking
Omg so it's educational?
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
We climaxed at the same time during ain't no mountain high enough. Does it get more cheesy or domestic for a non relationship?
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Randomize
