I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
Randomize
