I'm so fucking centered right now
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
My orgasm happened in two different decades
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize