whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Randomize
