That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
watching "look who's talking now." getting choked up at the end when they find each other at the cabin
doesn't that movie star kirstie alley and have talking dogs in it? new low...even for you
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
They left me at home... I'm a liability
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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