dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
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