Omg Kevin Jonas is engaged!!!!!!
Omg really? To who. Gay marriage is only legal in like 3 states.
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
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