I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
He had in his status he loved beating off and tagged his wife. another reason facebook should be for college.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Randomize
