Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
