If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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