I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
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