You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.
I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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