i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
Randomize
