Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
four loko is apparently banned in the us. so i think its time for us to stock up. i already emailed them about buying them in bulk
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
I party with great urgency now.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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