Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
