the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
He just posted pic of sad weiner and half a butt cheek. That is it. I HATE online dating.
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
why is pumping your own stomach in your searches on youtube?
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
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