I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
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