She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
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