i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
ya i guess you have to take things with a grain of salt in a place where nipple clamps are the norm..
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
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