Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
Randomize
