i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
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