After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
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