so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
Randomize
