turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
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