he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
Randomize
