Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
Still workable. Pretty sure i told her i'd eat her out in the woods.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
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