2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
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