I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
Randomize
