theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Idk if I want to put a bra on
Randomize
