We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
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