I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize