Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
It's rum buckets o'clock
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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