Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
porn star boner night. come get it.
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
Randomize
