Are you guys doing anything tonight?
Krysta
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
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The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
So, I think my BF has slept with several of our sorority sisters
Well, now that you know, yes he has. We didn’t say anything because you seemed so happy. He’s a great guy and none of us have any hard feelings, but yeah, we’re all very familiar with his penis and it’s talents
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