He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
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