you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
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