i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
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