White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
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