Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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