wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
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