U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
I touched a dick in church today
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
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