In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
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