I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
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