I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
Did I show you my penis last night?
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
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