Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
