What did we do last night that was yellow?
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
