I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Randomize
