can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
